Witnessing the Birth of My Son

"There is power that comes to women when they give birth. They don’t ask for it, it simply invades them. Accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through, carrying the child with it."
-Sheryl Feldman

After watching my wife deliver our son, I can't help but marvel at the deep mysteries encompassed in the female body. I can't think of any capacity or ability uniquely found in men that rivals the strength and power I saw engulf my wife during the birth process. It was awe-inspiring, and reaffirmed my faith in the pure miracle of life. The human body is a magnificent, astonishing creation that transcends simple definitions and whatever limitations we believe circumscribe it. Regardless of gender, our forms, our skeletons, our blood and lymph systems, our nerves, our structures, and our consciousness are woven together in a seamless creation that boggles the mind if you take the time to think about it. Yet we take it all for granted so often, forgetting where we came from and blithely ignoring the intractable reality of where we're going. But every now and then we're reminded of mortality and life, of the light we carry and the grace we're blessed with, and those moments where we see beyond the body give meaning to the long journey from cradle to grave. When you look past the ego, and see momentarily beyond the identification with the flesh, you understand the continuum you are a part of, the lineage you belong to, and you see for a single instant what endures beyond these impermanent machines that house our lives. If you're lucky, sometimes you're served up an experience that lets you see the links in the chain, and for a moment you can sense your place in the great progression of life unfolding through the ages...

They say that enduring the pain of childbirth is one of the reasons why women's life spans are longer than men. Perhaps that's just an old-wives tale, an assertion that can never be fully proved, but after watching my wife give birth to my son I believe it. She is stronger than I am, and the crucible she passed through has bolstered something within her. The delivery took 24 hours, starting from the moment her water broke, to the surreal and emotional coalescence when our son was placed in her arms after I cut his umbilical cord. I've never been more in awe of the power of women than I was over that stretch of hours, and the convictions the experience left me with will likely stay with me to the end of my days. The whole experience was transformational for both of us. Becky's body physically changed, was altered permanently, and though nothing I experienced is in the same realm of comparison to what she endured, I too am different from bearing witness to the process. Spiritually, energetically, and mentally, my horizons have shifted, and I see the world differently. It's not just because there's a two-week old infant sleeping in the next room, whose life I'm suddenly responsible for: it's because I've glimpsed something profound in a moment of clarity. When you see behind the veil, and catch a momentary vision of the truth of things, you cannot return to the world you knew before.

It started slow. When Becky's water broke we were having a calm, serene afternoon at our house, after spending the morning hosting 13 friends for what we called the "Last Call Brunch," one of the last gatherings of people at our home before our lives would inevitably begin revolving around our child. We figured we could cram one more party in before diaper-duty took precedence. At 5:45 pm, just a few hours after our guests had departed, I came downstairs to find Becky kneeling on the ground leaning up against a balance ball in a restorative pose. She rolled over to greet me and with the movement, her eyes went wide, and with an embarrassed look she exclaimed that she might have just had an accident and peed. This is par for the course for late term pregnancy, when women's bodies are no longer controlled by their will, although this hadn't happened before to Becky. She ambled off to the bathroom to do her business and then called to me, and told me that she thought her water had broken. We just smiled at each other for a long moment, letting the meaning of that sink in. Tonight was the night. The long wait, the 9 months of expectation and anticipation would all come to a head in a few hours. We started to move.

I spent that entire first hour frantically looking for my glasses, which I'd misplaced at some point the day before. My job was to drive us to the hospital, and navigating Chiang Mai traffic and the perils of the road without my glasses and with my wife in labor was not something I wanted to do. If anyone could have watched me, they'd note the sheer ridiculousness of how I flitted around the house, totally ADD, searching in the same places over and over again with a frantic idiocy bordering on hysteria. I turned over piles of paper, upended most of my desk, and dug through countless piles of laundry. I knew this moment was coming, and should have been more prepared, but my bag wasn't packed, my head wasn't straight, and I was not ready. It took a solid two hours for me to calm down, and it helped me to drop off our dog with our friend Abby, who had generously volunteered to watch him for a few days while we were in the hospital. Baxter had totally picked up on my manic nervous energy, and was running all through the house barking like the spastic furball that he is. Getting him out of the picture calmed the scene down considerably, and a few hours later, while packing the car, I found my glasses as well.

We were in no rush to get to the hospital, because as our birth classes had taught us, you don't really need to be there until the mother's contractions were coming 5 minutes apart, regular as clockwork. Becky had her first contraction around 7 pm, and when they started coming, they were far apart, with 45 minutes elapsing between the first and second one. They didn't get closer for a long time. So we gathered our stuff, packed our bags, ate a very simple meal, and wrapped our heads around what we needed to do. We shared a few quite, meditative moments surrounded by candles, then we slept intermittently a few minutes at a time in our guest bedroom on the ground floor in between the contractions. Becky endured the slow progression of pain with a quiet grace. Days afterwards she told me that the contractions felt subtle compared to what came later, but as we drifted in and out of short, restless naps, the pain was never far.

We debated heading to the hospital at around 1 am, but the contractions were still 10-15 minutes apart. I'm told that the experience of labor contractions is like having severe menstrual cramps, emanating from the low belly and pelvic region and causing the back to ache as they radiate out through the body. That's a somewhat clinical description, but in truth the actual reality of it completely eludes me. This is pain only women know, and any description of it I can offer is at best hearsay.

We headed to the hospital at 6 am, driving through almost empty streets and finding some very fortunate parking in front of Sriphat Hospital just as dawn was creeping over the horizon. Becky was sick in the hospital lobby, which caught me totally off guard. Luckily a hospital orderly helped her into a wheelchair and ushered us into the labor room on the 12th floor, where we would spend the next 14 long, drawn out hours. We checked in with a nurse, who examined all our paperwork, did a cursory exam of Becky, and then ushered us into our own private room in an almost empty wing. Thus began the next chapter, which was a lot less calm, and far more fraught with tension, pain, and angst. Those were probably the longest 12 hours of my life.

If you've never been in a hospital in a foreign country, you can't know the frustration of being attended to by people who don't speak your language. This was partly our fault, as we've been here over a year, and our Thai is still appallingly inadequate. We can't communicate with anyone with any confidence, even though we've both had a lot of lessons and classes. The nurses were totally hands off with us, and while they came in every half hour to check on Becky, few words were spoken, and each quick visit felt somewhat absurd. They timed the contractions, put a doppler wand to Becky's belly to hear the baby's heartbeat, and then were gone, leaving us to our own devices. It was 9 am before our Doctor showed up. She examined Becky, told her she was dilated to 1 cm, and then recommended an IV of Pitocin to induce a faster labor. The cervix is supposed to dilate to 10 cm for natural births, which is a long process, but after 12 hours of contractions, we'd hoped to be a little further along. We wanted initially to do this with no medical interventions, and Pitocin, which is a drug that is used to induce labor, enhances contractions and escalates the whole process. Very often it also leads to further medical interventions that might not always be necessary. Becky wasn't keen on an IV, but we did it because our Doctor recommended it, and before we knew it, the nurses had poked a bunch of holes in her arm and had an IV rigged up with a drip pushing this stuff into her bloodstream. And on cue, the contractions amped up considerably.

There is a slow rhythm to labor, a certain cadence to the arrival of each contraction, with rest spaces punctuating the spaces between the pain. Every few minutes I watched Becky's body wracked with pain, her face scrunching up, her head thrown back, as low moans and grimaces filled the space between us. She apologized to me a few times, like the always graceful, well-raised woman that she is, because she was uncomfortable that I was witnessing her in a state of duress, without absolute control over her body and emotions. I told her that no apologies were necessary, and that I was there as a partner, as much as I could be, and that the business of bringing life into the world was painful, messy, and that no one should expend any energy worried about how they appear or how they're being received. It's not a public endeavor, and this was not, after all, even about us. Birth is about a new creature coming into its own existence, a new soul arriving, and we were just vehicles for it's deliverance... Perhaps my words made an impression, but before they were fully out another contraction had consumed her, and we were right back in the flush of things...

The music helped. In fact it was an essential part of our experience. We'd both built long, elaborate playlists for the occasion, 12 hours each, handpicking tracks and albums that we felt would help us maintain the right mood during labor. Hang drum meditations, long drawn-out harmonic Om chants, Glen Velez's Rhythms of the Chakras album, and beautiful gems like tracks from Bobby McFerrin's Circle Songs filled the room. Lush Indian electronica from Karsh Kale, deep dub from Fat Freddy's Drop & JBoogie, gospel hymns, old soul singers, Sanskrit mantras, and Peter Gabriel's "Last Temptation of Christ" soundtrack all made appearances, and the music helped us stay focused on the task at hand. Our child was ushered into the world on a supportive bed of sweet sounds and poignant voices, and our playlists kept us connected to each other and the work to be done. No profound, life-changing moment is complete without an appropriate soundtrack, right? But even though it was constant, the music was still mostly in the background. By the early afternoon, we'd been at the hospital for 5 hours, and the Doctor still hadn't come back. She made an appearance at 2 pm, stayed for about 15 minutes, and regulated the Pitocin drip after examining Becky a second time. 3 cm dilated. That was not good news, as we'd hoped we'd be farther along at that point. The Pitocin had changed the dynamic of her labor, and even though Becky hadn't fully dilated, the pain was coming in strong waves. Our doctor departed, after telling us that she thought the child would probably arrive around 6 or 7 pm. Exhausted, sleep-deprived, and a little defeated, we set ourselves to the task once more with renewed fervor. Let's get this done.

 I felt quite useless watching my wife hurt. The contractions came in waves, and Becky spent most of the morning and afternoon on a large balance ball, trying to find positions that were supportive and helped her endure the pain. She was determined to make it through without any pain medications. For chunks of the day, I served as a prop for her to lean on, offering arms to hold her, trying to massage her back before the next contraction hit. It was hard to watch. I'm not a fan of hippy-speak, but as the pain radiated out from her core, and sleep-deprivation affected my perception, I could feel and almost see her aura pulsing. It was like the past and the future were meeting at an axis, right at the core of my girl, who was ushering new life into being. With each contraction, as her body stretched to accommodate our son's body, it seemed like the fabric of time-space was stretching too, and the seams between her body and spirit were straining as new life was pushing outwards to be born. The emotional roller coaster was constant, but we were at a low ebb for much of the afternoon. In a desperate move, to give myself something to contribute, i asked Becky if I could start saying mantras over and over to speed the process and focus our intentions. She agreed, and for about an hour I kept up a litany of simple statements like this directed at my wife:
you are expanding and opening 
you are preparing a path for our child to enter the world 
you are opening a door for new life to come through you 
Over and over, I kept repeating these, until I actually fell into an exhausted sleep for a few minutes, waking with a start as Becky was in mid-contraction. The mantras might have been for me, because my girl was already focused, with or without my words. She was radiant through the pain, breathing, moaning, and becoming more and more transcendent with each minute. It was like the pain was pulling her apart. As a particularly vicious contraction hit her and she expressed a moment of doubt, I offered the only worthy metaphor I could come up with at the moment: she was a being of light, and the pain she was feeling was the light of our son breaking off into its own separate luminescence. All that illuminates must burn, and the pain she was enduring was a sign of the imminent arrival of new life, light born anew, and fresh grace burning its own path into being...

The nurses came by to check and found Becky dilated to 9 cm. A flurry of activity ensued, as 6 nurses came in and out of the room, arranging machines and stations and repositioning Becky on the bed. They were ready for her to push. It took awhile for the doctor to show up, and when she walked through the door, she instructed Becky to wait for a contraction and then push. It didn't take long before the baby was crowning, and I found myself looking at a patch of slick hair as my wife grimaced through another long push. The next push yielded his head, and after that, his body came tumbling out, a mess of whitish flesh and clay-colored waxy skin, drenched and gooey. When he came out, I watched as they swiftly drained his mouth, and waiting with baited breath for a few long seconds until I saw him move and heard him gurgle and cry. That first muffled sound started me crying, and I didn't stop for the next 15 minutes. They handed me a scissors and I cut the cord without the momentousness of the act really registering, and as I blubbered in silence they handed my wife our son, putting him in her arms as she too started to cry. They wiped him down some more and we sat there, all looking at each other, realizing that his eyes were wide open as he looked up at us. There is nothing that can prepare you for new life gazing up at you. Our son was calm, and we were surrounded and basking in the kind of grace you only feel a few times in your life. The glow around Becky was almost tangible. The kid was quiet and still. I couldn't stop crying, staring down at him, one hand on the side of my face, unable to wrap my brain around the reality of it all.

I've had more than my share of profound moments, what Abraham Maslow termed "peak experiences," where you feel a cosmic sense of interconnectedness with the universe as a whole. I've had a slew of what I would call mystical experiences, ranging from the euphoria of standing at mountain top vistas, to watching dawn break over a glorious desert landscape, to basking in island sunsets at the edge of the world that render you speechless at their magnificence. I've had a rich, full, vibrant life, and have been humbled repeatedly with amazing experiences. But my son's birth was on a whole other level from anything I've ever felt before. This was primal, primordial, and suffused with meaning and grace and deep ancestral energies. This was my fate arriving in the face of a child that I'm destined to spend the rest of my years nurturing and teaching. This was the love of my life in the most pain I've ever seen another human being experience, pushing through it with determination and focus that made me proud to be her partner. This was life arriving on its own terms, the next link in the chain, DNA descending through eras and past bloodlines to a future still unwritten. This was the fabric of time-space opening up a wormhole to let divinity peek through for just an instant. It was crazy, overwhelming, and it changed both Becky and I completely. Wow. After 24 sleep-deprived hours, exhausted and drained, pushed beyond all limits, I held my son in my arms for the first time, as my wife looked upon us with a tired and beauteous gaze. It was a perfect moment, one which I'll treasure always. Life is a gift. Always remember that. Gratitude eases the flow and makes moments like this possible. Welcome to the world, Dylan Jai... You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

I got my wish...Dylan Jai Ahmad Raines

After we reached 36 weeks of pregnancy I told the little boy growing inside of me that he could come anytime..."We're ready for you" I told him...and he was a good listener because he arrived 11 days early!

Introducing Dylan Jai Ahmad Raines

Born January 13th, 2013

7 pounds 8 ounces

20 inches

and oh so handsome!  

There are moments during the past 5 days when I still can't believe he's here, I still can't believe that Fuad & I created this little guy, I still can't believe how absolutely perfect he is...
Truth is...there are moments throughout the day when I'm totally overwhelmed; it comes and goes in waves, and tears usually flow...not sad ones, but tears of pure joy. We are so very blessed...

We're settling into life at home with our baby boy. He's a very alert, eyes-wide-open kind of baby and he seems to love listening to music (no surprise there!)

Our Birth Story (Becky's version, Fuad will write his side of the story separately)

Last Saturday (early morning) I woke up quite sick to my stomach and ended up with diarrhea for most of the morning, I was also feeling nauseous and even threw up (which I never do. I didn't even throw up in the 1st trimester!)
The baby had already dropped a few days before that and it only took a quick Internet search to reveal that after baby drops, diarrhea and vomiting are signs of impending labor, usually within 24-48 hours. Sure enough, at 5:45 pm on Saturday (the 12th) my water broke while at home, and an hour later I had my first contraction.
We decided to stay at home for as long as possible, especially since the contractions were irregular...we ended up waiting 12 hours.
We arrived at the hospital around 7 am the morning of the 13th with contractions coming about 5 minutes apart. After being admitted I was so disappointed to find out that I was only dilated 1 centimeter! It felt like 12 hours of labor should produce a greater result! FYI-you have to dilate close to 10 centimeters before you start pushing the baby out...
Our doctor arrived at around 9 am, at which point I was still dilated at 1 cm, and she suggested that we start on Pitocin since we had already labored for 14 hours and had only dilated to 1. Since my water had broken she really wanted to see the baby delivered within 24 hours to lower the risk of infection.
So we did it...I was strapped to an IV and given a Pitocin drip...
After 5 hours of contractions (along with diarrhea), which grew increasingly more intense, the doctor returned and after an examination, measured me as dilated to 3 centimeters. She adjusted the Pitocin and predicted that the baby would be delivered around 6 or 7 pm that night.

This is where I totally broke down. How could my body be doing all this work, with hardly any movement at all? I felt as though something was holding me back, keeping me from making progress...This is when I got serious about the work of labor. There was hardly any conversation between Fuad & I at this point, as we were just waiting, breathing, and resting between contractions and bathroom trips...

It got amped up pretty quickly. Wave after wave of the most intense pain imaginable washed over me and after each one I'm telling myself that that one is over and I don't ever have to feel that pain again. I'm telling myself to surrender...I'm telling myself to breathe, to breathe, to breathe, to be open, to let go, to keep my jaw relaxed...my husband reminds me that I'm sharing my light with the world by delivering our son.
There are no pain killers, no epidural, there is only us. Breathing together.

At 4 pm the nurse comes in to check on me, and I've dilated to 9. She tells me to let her know if I feel like pushing. It doesn't take long until I do...There's a flurry of activity, as multiple nurse arrive in the room and prepare it for the arrival of our little guy. I'm ready to push, but I'm told to wait until the doctor gets there...
Our doctor walked in saying "wait until a contraction, then push!" It took around 5 contractions...The first, our doctor told me that "his head is here." With the second, "here he comes, push push push push..." At the third, she told me, "Rebecca, keep your chin down and put your energy into pushing him out." After a few more hard, deep, contractions, and deep pushes, I heard my son cry, and within a few moments he was laid on my chest as Fuad cut the cord...

I look to my husband with tears of joy and see that he's doing the same, crying tears of joy and I have never in my life been so overwhelmed with the emotion of pure love.

Words cannot possibly describe this moment in time... 

After he's been cleaned up.

Daddy with his baby boy.

2 days old napping on my chest. 

Just a few other thoughts...
The day after delivery I looked down at my feet and realized that I could already see my ankle bones again and that my feet and toes looked like my feet and toes again! Same with my hands, after 9 months of watching my body change and swell and wondering if it would ever return to "normal", some parts returned to me right away.
I'm ready to share...in total I gained 35 pounds. I came home from the hospital having already lost 20. Unbelievable!

First family picture before leaving the hospital

I carry...

For better or worse we are a collection of our experiences...we are an accumulation of those who have come & gone before...
I carry with me my ancestors who spent decades living in the Southern United States before migrating North for the promise of industry. My roots in the US are found in Alabama & Tennessee and I'm so blessed to have shared time with both of my Grandmothers who were born and raised in this corner of the world.
They grew up knowing hardship, the humid summer heat of the south, biscuits, cornbread, beans & greens, the satisfaction & labor of working the earth, and a deep connection with family & faith.

I carry with me my parents who raised me in the southwest corner Michigan, a stunningly beautiful place. I credit the very best parts of me to my parents...value given to work ethic, firmly rooted with a strong moral compass, and a sense of compassion and wonder for the world and the people in it...

I carry with me a son who is the start of a new story, a new chapter in the history of this family. Born in Thailand, with my Southern/Northern American roots and his father's Bengali American heritage...my hope, may he be an expression of the very best parts of Fuad & I.

Baby boy...
May you find beauty in your surroundings and long to explore the world with an open heart & mind.
May you have your father's sense of humor to help you through difficult situations.
May the gift of music grow strong within you and become a form of personal expression & pride.
May you have the tenacity to achieve whatever you set your mind to.
May you know that you are highly favored and the love of your parents, grandparents, family & friends surround you wherever you may roam...
My son, we await your arrival.

Fuad & I with our parents on our wedding day July 2010

The nuts & bolts of the home stretch...

At the start of this two week vacation from school I posted this blog entry on facebook and asked for those of you who have gone before to offer any other advice you may have. What should be done in these last few weeks of pregnancy?
I actually tried to do as much of it as I could...in the past 17 days off of work I have slept (when I could), got a haircut, pedicure, did some shopping, packed our bags for the hospital, organized the nursery, tied up loose ends around the house, cooked, made my own nappy wipe solution, took a drive to explore the outskirts of Chiang Mai, went to the doctor & had our last ultrasound, nursed my husband who had a wisdom tooth extracted, cuddled with my husband (& dog), watched movies & tv shows & read a few books!
I'm so grateful to have had this time off to prepare, but at the same time I realized that I'm also grateful to have been working all these months. For me, it's just too much time to think about all the "what-if's."
I return to work tomorrow for 2 more weeks...it's only 10 more days of work and then I'm off for 7 months...

This past week we also finally took the tour of the birthing center, I wrote a bit about the birthing process several months back (See "Your having a baby in Thailand?" post). I have a better idea of the big picture now...
Our process started by choosing our OB/GYN doctor, Dr. Supreeya. We choose her because she came highly recommended by pretty much every expat mother I spoke to. Dr. Supreeya only delivers (as far as I know) at the teaching hospital which is operated separately inside one of Chiang Mai's government hospitals.
Health care here is very different than the States...We've been seeing Dr. Supreeya at a clinic where she has hours once a week on Thursday's starting at 5:30 pm, seeing patients until 9:00 pm when the clinic closes. After your initial visit (which took us a very frustrating 3 hours) the process is quite simple, you make your next appointment and you're given a number and an estimated time of when she'll be able to see you, when you arrive you pee in a cup that is placed un-marked into a try of others, check weight & blood pressure, then wait to see Dr. Supreeya...she asks a few questions, listen to the heart beat, the end. At first I felt like there should be more to this process, shouldn't I be worried about...stuff? Having more "stuff" checked out? These office visits cost around 300 baht (about $10) our recent visit with ultrasound and the fees for both doctors was 800 baht (about $25). That's without insurance.
At the birthing center we will choose a birthing package, some of the choices are
Normal birth 24,000B ($787)
Normal birth + female sterilization 29,000B ($951)
Natural birth/active birth 25,000B ($820)
Cesarean section 39,000B ($1,280)
and so on...this is pretty much what we'll be charged (again without insurance) there are no hidden costs, these fees include the doctors fees and immunizations as well as 2 nights stay and a lactation consultant.
We have chosen the natural birth/active birth option (as long as there are no complications). It's considered natural because the use of an epidural is illegal in Chiang Mai. Upon request, you can get Demoral for pain, they also use Pitocin as needed.

Some folks have also been asking about dual citizenship, he will not have dual citizenship, it's possible but quite complicated and Thailand requires 2 years of military service, which I'm not willing to take my chances with...he will have a Thai birth certificate that will be translated into English in order to receive "American citizen born abroad" status. This requires a whole slew of paperwork. If interested, see the directions found from the Chiang Mai American Consulate.  
A few weeks after delivery we'll have an appointment at the Consulate to apply for his American Citizen born abroad status, his passport & his social security card.

For now, we wait...

Happy New Year from the Raines Ahmad Family. 2013 is going to be something really special!

 

The nursery

The nursery is ALMOST finished! We just need to pick up a few last items and we'll be ready! Only thing missing is the baby boy!
(He'll be here soon enough!)

The entrance to the nursery.

Crib with banyan tree (thanks Liz!) We're still missing the mattress, but baby boy will sleep in the Pack n' Play in our bedroom for awhile...

We plan to get a rocking chair where that little rocker is currently.

Changing table (still missing the changing pad). And car seat waiting to be put in the car.

Nappy bag packed and ready to go to the hospital!

Look how many books he already has!

A baby Fu & Beckaboo :)

Keeping busy in week 36 of pregnancy!

This staycation is turning out better than I expected! I've already been hugely productive and I still have an entire week before I head back to work!
Today's project was making a birthing necklace & bracelet. I got together with some friends a few weeks ago and everyone brought a bead to add to a birthing necklace that I can wear during labor & delivery in order hold the positive presence of my friends with me...
Because of the diversity of the beads, I decided to make both a necklace and a bracelet. I also added some beads, like some garnets, which will be our Kebob's birth stone (as long as he's born in January!)
I used to make TONS of jewelry as a hobby so going to the bead shop and making these pieces reminded me of how much I love to be creative in this way!

Some of the ladies who brought beads for the necklace...

Here's how they turned out! I really love them!
Necklace beads from Abby, Sue & Sallyanne
Bracelet beads from Liz, Yara, Sara & Lianne along with some garnets and a few beads I had from Guinea. 

This week I also got a few packages from back home! It's always exciting to open a package, but when it comes all the way from America with special hand-written letters, mixed tape cd's and thought out gifts for our little one...it's even more special.

I keep listening to this song that my friend Dayna put on a playlist for us...songs that she shared with her little boys that I will now share with our little boy...

This past week we also had some maternity photos taken. We decided to have them taken at our house, because we live in a beautiful home and wanted to celebrate it. My friend Liz did some henna on my belly and I used a sari that I got while Fuad & I were in Mumbai to drape around my body...my favorites are the ones taken in the nursery. Here are a few of our favorites...

Things are going well! 

Christmas Staycation in Chiang Mai

Last year we spent Christmas in Hawaii with my parents...

And the year before (2010) we spent Christmas in Bali on our Honeymoon...

Christmas 2008 I spent Christmas day giving to the children and young people at the Fore-Fote drum & dance camp on the island of Roume, Guinea, West Africa...Here they are lined up to receive what the foreigners had brought them.

I've been away from home during the Holidays...but for some reason I'm having a bit of a hard time with spending Christmas here in our home away from home in Chiang Mai. Temperatures are still reaching up to 90 degrees almost everyday, I haven't bought a single gift and it just doesn't feel like Christmas...

So even though we're not traveling (can't travel anyway at 35 weeks pregnant!) and we're not going to be able to spend time with family, we do have a lot to do during this 2 week staycation...like the final preparations for the arrival of our son!

Some of the to-do list includes:

Pack the hospital bag

Tour the hospital

Put the car seat in the car

Hang curtains in the nursery

Make my birthing necklace

Finish setting up the guest room for my folks arrival on Feb. 1st.

I'd also like to put my feet up, read some books and watch some movies!

We also have a priority to spend as much time together as possible, because come late January, almost everything is going to change...

Family picture from Christmas 2009, the last Christmas we spent in the Mid-west.

It's almost time for his arrival...

I feel a blog post coming on...not sure what I want to say, but there's something inside turning & brewing...there's some contemplation going on...some simmering as well...

We're at 34 1/2 weeks now and it truly feels like the weeks are passing faster & faster. As we approach the end of pregnancy I've found myself wishing I had been more active journaling & blogging the entire process. I've been reading so many mommy & parenting blogs and I can relate to their pregnancy journey, but I haven't found the time to document mine in such detail...

Here's a blog I stumbled upon recently, and couldn't stop reading her heartfelt wishes for her un-born daughter...and there's others with more practical information like this one or a fellow yogini mommy whose posts are short and almost always sweet.

What do I want to communicate & remember about this process of growing our little Kebob in my belly? There have been so many hopes & fears along the way, and it's still not over... I know that they won't subside until he's safely delivered into our arms. And then...a whole new set of hopes & fears will become present!

I want to remember the conversations that Fuad & I have shared in preparing for Kebob's arrival....discussions about the "what if's" and how we perceive our lives to change once he arrives. 

I want to remember that this baby boy took 10 flights in utero! He's already a world traveler! I want to remember how my students want to sing hello to him during our hello song in music class....and all the kicks & turns & hiccups that remind me he's growing strong in there...

I'd like to forget that I'm not that pregnant lady who feels fantastic and full of energy...I feel huge, my ankles and hands are puffy, I'm HOT all the time and I'm tired everyday because I'm no longer sleeping through the night!

But...even with the difficulties that pregnancy brings, I know the joy we'll feel on the flip side will make every ache and pain disappear...I'm looking forward to our meeting more & more with each passing day.  

Lanterns fill the sky...Loy Krathong @Mae Jo University

If you google Chiang Mai, Thailand, the launch of khom loy lanterns at Mae Jo University is one of the top images that appears. This event occurs during Loy Krathong, one of biggest festivals in Thailand. I remember seeing an image close to this one while researching Chiang Mai just before we moved here in July of 2011 and thinking that I couldn't wait to experience the beauty of the sky lanterns first hand...
(not my picture btw)

This festival coincides with the  full moon of the 12th lunar month (according to the Thai calendar) and even has a special song...



This year we took we took the trip out to Mae Jo University to experience it first hand. To be perfectly honest I was nervous about going, at almost 32 weeks pregnant it could potentially be a really long day for me. Right now I have to consider the heat, how long I'll be walking, sitting or standing and the availability & proximity of bathrooms. We decided to drive separate so that we could have a little more control over our experience and we could leave at any time, if needed.
In total we were a group of about 12 people, we made a caravan out to the University complete with a picnic (left over turkey made into delicious sandwiches) This journey started around 3:00 pm.

We arrive, park, take a long walk to the site...so far so good!

I begin to overheat...I begin to ache in the low back & hips...I sweat continuously for the following 5 hours or so....not so good.

Along with thousands of others we listened to the chanting of the monks, sat during the meditation and anxiously awaited the moment to light our lanterns. At around 7:30 the time comes! Everyone is up, ground lanterns lit, we're ready and have forgotten about the heat and the wait. We're instructed to wait until the cue so everyone present can release their lantern at the same moment in order to "create the most spectacular vision in the world to behold" (according to the MC).

Fuad waiting next to the ground lantern. 

Fuad & I with our ground lantern.

The anticipation is building...the MC give very clear directions as to how to light the khom loy's, then asks us to SIT BACK DOWN?! The funny thing is the 7 or so teachers among the group immediately look at each and said, "you can't do that!" You can't give directions, while we're all ready to go, then make us wait longer!
The first launch occurs and it's bliss & smiles all around! It truly was a beautiful sight to behold!

 (this one is my picture)

First release...

 Fuad & I helped launch 3 lanterns. We had already determined our intention for each one and I have to admit as I watched the 3rd lantern float to the sky, I teared up...the scene and a sense of unity amongst those present overwhelmed me for a moment. I'm pretty sure Fuad felt the same way, we exchanged a knowing glance, the one where we acknowledge how blessed we are... to be here, to have these experiences, to have each other, to live this charmed & blessed that we live.

The last 2 lanterns our group launched...

Then we started the journey home...

I really don't think there is anyway to accurately describe the mess & chaos that followed the lantern launching so I'm going to keep this part short.

We got funneled into a bottleneck and it took us an HOUR to walk to our car. HOT, SWEATY people pushing up against each other with no regard whatsoever to personal body space. I struggled in my nearly 8 month pregnant body & mind not to have a complete melt down...we even joked about faking labor just to get through the crowd. (which we didn't do btw)

As we finally approached the car, the wind suddenly pick up, rain seemed imminent and the scene turned apocalyptic...people running to their transport, scooters racing down the street in an attempt to beat the coming storm, lightening & thunder coming consistently.   

We made it to the car just as it started to beat down...it took us another hour to drive home in an absolute downpour! 

We arrived to our part of town to flooded streets and no power. 

Fuad stated that it was as if God was responding to all that fire we put up into the sky...

In the end it was quite a memorable night.

Babymoon?

Sunset at Kata Beach Phuket, Thailand

As soon as I came across the concept of the "babymoon" in my mommy-to-be reading, I knew we needed to take one!
Google "babymoon" and tons of sites come up offering advice, ideas & deals. Here's one from Frommer's, the well respected tourist guide book, or if you're looking for more of an explanation, you could check out the wikipedia link.
For Fuad & I the babymoon has been a getaway trip with time set aside to do absolutely NOTHING...besides sleep, eat, lay by the pool or on the beach and make plans for the arrival of our little boy. The timing was perfect, with a break from school during my 27th week, so we decided to stay in Thailand and flew down south to check out Phuket.

Each day of this trip I have felt so grateful to have this time with my husband during this experience in our lives! You see we love to travel and it's usually packed with long days of sight seeing, but not this time, this time the goal is to relax and to connect with one another.
We plan to continue traveling and seeing the world with our growing family...next trip we'll be 3...

27 weeks pregnant

Heading out to dinner.

Non-Attachment...the Hard Way

It's been a rough few weeks. In late September I accidentally spilled a bottle of water on my laptop's keyboard and watched in horror as my computer died in front of me. I powered down, tried a million remedies to dry out the chassis, but the hard drive had fried, and no matter who looked at it, all my data was gone. No one could salvage it. 5 years of my life gone in an instant, and tons of work down the drain, never to be recovered. It's five weeks later and I'm just now digging myself out of the giant hole I dug for myself, finishing job assignments that should've been completed a month ago... I didn't have a back-up, and I lost a lot of unique things that are irreplaceable. Original document templates, photographs from a dozen countries, videos of my 9-week old puppy staring into a mirror for the first time, work projects that took years to finish, elements I designed for my wedding, and every playlist I've used for a DJ set in the last five years... All gone in an instant...  There's a profound lesson here somewhere, but I'm not sure what it is...

When we moved to Thailand, Becky and I made a conscious effort to practice non-attachment, which is called Aparigraha in Sanskrit and is one of central yamas stressed in the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, one of the many books we use to guide our lives. I've struggled for a long time with Aparigraha, because collecting vast quantities of music is necessary for a DJ, and anyone who's ever seen the multiple man-caves I've lived in could tell you, I've always been surrounded by copious quantities of media. I'm not a hoarder, by any means, but I have a fondness for books, DVDs, and records, and have spent the last 12 years as a professional librarian of sorts in my day job as well... The things is, I thought I'd gotten a pretty good handle on this issue, having liquidated almost all my worldly possessions in the three month run-up to our departure from Chicago. Sold a couple hundred life-changing books, dispensed with a few trusty instruments, emptied my closet, and had a fire-sale of my record collection where I parted with 2000+ albums in a few weeks. It hurt, but it also felt hugely liberating. I even loaded my turntable coffin into the back of some stranger's truck, and watched him drive off, leaving me with a fistful of dirty hundred dollar bills and a pervasive feeling of regret: I sold my most prized possession to the first guy who answered my ad on Craigslist. Watching some random meth-head with rotting teeth and needle tracks up his arms drive away with my turntables & mixer was a hard lesson in non-attachment. Sometimes you just have to let things go, no matter how invested in them you are, no matter how much they've shaped your life. And yet here I am, just over a year later, tearing my hair out over the loss of my hard drive, and the erasing of a vast swath of my recent memory... Attachment, it turns out, runs deeper than just getting rid of your physical possessions...

I've spent the last month realizing how utterly dependent I am on my laptop. I can't do my job without it, and as someone who works from home, my computer is my primary link to my offices in Bangkok, Singapore, and Chicago. I can't get anything done without it, and it's quite humbling to find yourself paralyzed because your tools are suddenly unavailable. But really, there's only one option, which is to start over. Get a new computer. Install the latest operating system. Build better templates. Scrap the old ways of working and replace them with a leaner, more efficient system. And so I write this on a shiny new MacBook Pro my office has kindly given me (I was due for a replacement this month anyway), and I'm looking forward, thinking about fresh canvasses to deface and different approaches to old problems. I've been forced to evolve, because everything that got me to this point is suddenly gone. The work is gone but I have the skills to do it all over... I suppose this is actually a pretty nifty metaphor for this new life I'm living in Thailand. I am no longer a DJ, no longer a musician seeking peers & paying gigs, no longer an angry malcontent raging at the idiocies of the US government, no longer surrounded by artists and bohemians and plotting out new ways to express myself. I am no longer living a reactive life, no longer circumscribed by the limitations of my tools, no longer hemmed in by old ways of seeing and the accumulated detritus of an old identity. Who I am is whoever I want to be, and whatever I want to build. And that's once again hugely liberating. Or maybe I'm just trying to wrap a shiny bow around the absolutely craptastic reality that I just lost 500 GB of my best work, and a decade's worth of labor. When years of your life disappear into a digital void, it's time to start reinventing yourself... Letting go gets easier once you stop looking back at the places you've been, and start gazing at the gorgeous horizon in front of you. I'm going to keep reminding myself of this as I start from square one all over again.

Dance party in my belly!

I felt the baby kick last night! It was a magical moment...we were listening to a song Fuad posted on facebook and it happened, so perhaps it was dancing : ) I've been patiently waiting to feel it, every night when I lay down I rest my hands on my belly and wait...my mom told me that there would be no mistaking it, that when it happens I would know exactly what it was, she was right!
I laughed and then I cried (which reminds me of one my favorite lines from one of my favorite movies, Steel Magnolias when Dolly Parton's character says to Sally Field's "laughter through tears is my favorite emotion")

Then I watched an amazing movie...Babies



Then I drifted to sleep and dreamed of a baby girl...

"You're going to have the baby in Thailand?"

Yes, we are.
So many people back home had questions about Fuad & I having our baby in Thailand. I think since so few people I know back home have actually been to Thailand, it's hard for them to wrap their head around birthing and raising a baby anywhere else but the U.S.
We have found a Ob/Gyn who came highly recommended by several American teachers at my school, she speaks very good English (which is important) and although the experience of going to the doctor here is very different than in the U.S. I wouldn't say that different makes it bad...different could be better.
From the recommendation of one of my former American teaching colleagues (who birthed 2 children here in Chiang Mai) I watched the movie "The Business of Being Born" and felt appalled by the birthing situation in the States, with the disappearance of midwives & home births, and the increase of c- sections & induced labors (sometimes so the doctor can make in home in time for dinner) I found that in some ways I'm grateful to be here...removed from that "business." I just discovered last week that the use of epidurals is illegal in Chiang Mai, I was initially shocked at this information and although I didn't want one anyway, I have to admit there's something comforting in knowing that it's there if I wanted it.
Check out this movie if you have the time and are interested, it's full of information that was new to me.  (Thanks Karina)


Things are going well with the pregnancy. Especially now that the 1st trimester has passed with its nausea & exhaustion and I feel good. I had an appointment last week when I returned from the States and heard the baby's heartbeat, which was going strong at 150 beats per minute and in 3 weeks we return for the gender reveal ultrasound! I can't wait!
Baby "stuff", at least the kind of "stuff" Westerners like is much more expensive than you would pay at home, so we brought back 2 suitcases filled with stuff just for baby. I carried on a pac n' play, we shipped a infant rocker (which arrived today) and Fuad is sending the car seat. My folks will also be bringing some stuff when they come in February.
Otherwise I'm just adjusting back into my work schedule and savoring the joy of telling my students our exciting news. Some of them are stand-offish when they discover the news and others have this beautiful grin that spreads across their face & I love it! Today with a class of 3rd graders we talked about how the baby can hear our singing and the guitar as I play it in front of my belly...sharing with my students that the baby hears everything that I hear & feels everything that I feel was an amazing moment for me. For all these years (this is my 13th in fact) I've taught & nurtured other people's children and now I get to experience the joy of nurturing my own. I tear up as I write this...
Then one student informed me that I probably shouldn't sing or play too loud.
The other exciting news was my maternity leave. I get 60 days paid, I can add on my 15 sick days & 5 personal days (paid) and if I wanted more time I can add on an additional 30 days (un-paid) and still hold my position when I return. The 80 days paid is more than enough to get me through and I'm so grateful to have this amount of time (paid!) to be with our new baby! The school has a nursery for staff children so when I return to work, I'll be able to take the baby with me and since there are currently 5 families expecting, it's going to be a full house!

Return trip to the USA-Part 2

So after spending 2 weeks in St. Joe catching up with family & friends who are nearby I took the Southshore train (an old and familiar friend) to Chicago (with a short detour in Valparaiso to spend the night with the Prindles) and after 2 weeks apart (which felt like an eternity) I was reunited with my husband! We spent most of the day hanging out with our long-time friend Beth (meeting her newest addition Davis).

Beth, Davis & I

Then...6am flight to Boston! We spent 6 glorious days hanging out with the Mountcastles' with their newest addition, Ian.

Megan & Ian

 Honestly, with our own bundle of joy on the way I was a little nervous about seeing life with a newborn "up-close & personal"...however in reality I was reassured that we could do it too. Seeing Megan & Paul in their new roles as parents this early in the game was a blessing for both Fuad & I, Every step of the way I felt like "If they can do it, we can do it" and being in household where all of this is so new felt really comforting. With Ian being only a month old, Megan & Paul were both sympathetic to my pregnancy sign & symptoms, they had all kinds of interesting books to peruse AND we got to try our hand and holding & comforting & playing with Ian.
We enjoyed talking some walks, sharing some divine meals, the maiden voyage of Ian's first meal out at a restaurant, and simply hanging out together. It's the simple things in life, you know. Good friends, family, a good meal & a shared smile along the way.

Return trip to the USA Part 1

This part of the trip didn't send me reeling as I expected it would. Maybe it's because the pace of St. Joe in the summer is what you would expect from a small beach town...or maybe it's because I'm basking in the glow of telling my family and friends that Fuad & I are expecting our first child. So rather than feeling those "life back in America" feelings, I'm focused on how I feel physically & emotionally day by day as the end of my first trimester comes to a close.
I'm preparing for the 2nd part of this trip...a transition though Valparaiso & Chicago as I meet Fuad (after spending a very long 2 weeks apart) and together we'll make our way to Boston.
So I reflect on the past 2 weeks which have been glorious! I did everything on my list for St. Joe. I spent time with family & friends, I walked on the lakefront & took in some sunsets. I overindulged on my favorite foods & ate at some of my favorite St. Joe restaurants. I shopped, I ate, I laid on the singing sands of Silver Beach. I'm so grateful to have had this time here during this phase of my life!
But at the same time, I just had this realization that it will never be the same...I guess it never is, right? You occupy space for a given time and you move forward...Next summer when Fuad & I come to this place we'll have our 5 month old baby in tow!

The journey home...

I'm here, back in my old bedroom at my parents house in the town that I grew up in and it feels so familiar it's strange. Like nothing at all has changed...except me.
My trip home was very smooth, no glitches at all...so thank you to those of you sending positive thoughts for safe travels. The journey took about 24 hours. Luckily Chiang Mai has an International Airport so I took the relatively short trip of 5 hours from Chiang Mai to Seoul, had a 4 hour layover at Seoul (I actually laid out on benches and got some good sleep), then the journey continued with the painfully long leg from Seoul to Chicago which is 12 hours. (I forced myself not to look at the flight progress screen, finally I had to and was so disappointed to discover 5 hours remaining!!! Which is the point when I said to myself, I live REALLY far away!) I didn't really sleep much on the flight, but caught up on some good movie watching and last night I sleep like a champion because I was so exhausted.
My folks picked me up at the airport and we picked up right where we left off...I'm grateful to say that even though I've spent the past year halfway around the world I don't feel like I've missed out on details of my parents life because we keep in such great communication. We skype at least once a week and talk on the phone several times a week and occasionally facebook chat in between. It really is true...with the technology we have available to us these days, the world is shrinking. Makes me think of  what Fuad always says to me when he travels far away for his work trips. "Distance is an illusion" at this point I'd have to agree...but I've learned this past year that you have to put some effort into maintaining relationships...you know, like send the occasional email, make the phone call, do the facebook chat, or send a card in the mail!...I can't think of a time when I didn't feel so happy to hear from a far away friend.
Anyway...
I know that this trip is going to send me reeling...and that many of the people in my life here might not understand the process of reverse culture shock and how I'm feeling, but I'm willing to share my process.
So...with that said, on my first morning back in this town that I love, I'm going for a walk on the lakefront, then I'm going to sit and stare at the water and contemplate the beauty of nature and the beauty of this life I'm so blessed to live.
and then...I'm going to find something really delicious to eat!
If you want to hang out...don't wait, contact me! For now, via facebook until I get my phone working.

One of my favorite wedding pictures taken on the lakefront in St. Joe, my hometown...