It wasn't just when Fuad & I were together...for many years, I had a routine, with yoga on specific days, Mexican food on another day, a movie to watch on another evening, and with Tuesday nights spent watching the Biggest Loser, etc... I suppose in one way or another we all do it, we're all creatures of habit. What are your habits?
It's been 7 weeks here and I think what I'm craving in order to feel more settled and more at home is some routine.
I'm recalling the people who said to us that we're so lucky because we get a chance to start fresh. We could re-invent ourselves, create new habits, and make new routines. Maybe I could be a runner here, perhaps I could become an early riser and enjoy getting up early morning (not likely.) It does make sense, the entire process of going through our stuff (which took months) was like shedding layers, since we were both so deeply rooted in Chicago. It's interesting what you find tucked away in the back of drawers, like the things hidden in the deepest part of your soul. Releasing material objects from our grasp...our character is not determined by these objects we posses. Our moral and ethical compass isn't tuned by obtaining more "things."
At one of our going away gatherings, I shared with friends that I felt extremely vulnerable. Just before leaving, about to step from everything beloved and familiar, into the unknown when everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, had been taken out and brought into the light. Each item analyzed according to its worth (store it, pack it, give it away) and what made it into the suitcases was deemed essential. I also felt the urge to clean up loose ends in my relationships too...
...and yet all along I kept thinking of the old saying "where ever you go, there you are!" It finally made sense.
Here I am, sitting here waiting for Fuad to get home from Bangkok. Sometimes I'm still taken aback by how different our lives are now! Everyday as I drive to school I pass monks on my scooter. We make decisions about venturing out on the scooter based on whether it looks like it's gonna rain anytime soon, and we plan around how long we think we could stay out before it starts pouring... We don't own a tv and we've decided not to get one. I watch free shows off of Sidereel.com on my computer. (We've started watching Madmen from the beginning of the series and I'm watching a show called White Collar on my own while he's gone.)
I read, I blog...I've never had so much free time. Our neighborhood gets so quiet at night it's freaky. We slept with the windows open for the first time since we've been here the other night because it's starting to get cool at night. I hadn't realized how conditioned we'd gotten to the noise of the city.
The culture shock is starting to subside and I'm starting to notice more subtle aspects of people here, like for health reasons, wearing masks (and I actually considered wearing one), I observed the Thai folks on the plane to Bangkok last week eat the snack without actually touching the food and I thought "how smart" since airplanes are full of germs! There is hardly any physical contact between people because the standard greeting is to wai, and besides Fuad I have only hugged one other person. How many people do you hug or shake hands with in a day?
Now, I need to remind myself to be patient, to let the routines and new, refreshed habits reveal themselves. (Some things will never change, though....I LOVE to shop here!) I need to remind myself to be patient as friendships develop, because meaningful, lasting ones are not built overnight. I need to remind myself that the places that feel like "us" will emerge as we continue to explore this new place. And a little bit of time to let things happen slowly...that's OK too...
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