Hitting the wall

I have a personal history of avoiding confrontation. In fact, conflict in relationships makes me very uncomfortable. In the past I have gone to great lengths to side step these two "C" words and at times have even compromised my own integrity to do so. I've come a long way in this regard, especially after setting a lifelong intention to seek and follow truth. In Sanskrit the concept of "satya" or truthfulness is detailed by the yoga sutras, and states that for one established in truth, eventually everything they say will become true. This concept, which I discovered through yoga, has helped me deal with conflict in my life.... But...I traveled around the world and immediately after starting my new job (that I'm very excited about) I have found myself in the middle of a conflict, and it's incredibly frustrating! I've mentally hit the wall with avoiding conflict, and the amount of energy I have spent over the last few days trying to work this out in my mind is ridiculous.

Since this pattern of avoiding conflict is part of my personal history, should I really be surprised that it's repeating itself here? This led me to ask the question, why does conflict occur?

I don't really want to get into the details of this, but suffice to say, it ultimately worked out favorably for me, but not without stress and mental strain, and also not without a headache.

Being in this difficult situation made me realize that I'm homesick...and I hate to admit that, although I'm not sure why...

The homesickness really started last Sunday, when Fuad and I were having lunch, and I looked out the window of the cafe and caught a glimpse of George Street, where we used to live in Chicago. It appeared like a beautiful picture in my mind, with the sun shining through the mature trees which provide just the right amount of shade on the sidewalk as Fuad and I walk around the block with Baxter like we often enjoyed doing. That was my first wave...

Then this situation at work came up and the homesickness washed over me again as I realized how much I depend on my friends and my folks to serve as sounding boards. Ordinarily I would have called and discussed things with several people, given them all the play by play and listened as they offered advice. Don't get me wrong, there are some friends emerging here and of course I have Fuad, but I missed my friends. And this feeling of homesickness has continued today and I know it will continue to come and go, it will wash over me in waves. I miss the familiarity of interactions with people.

Tonight as Fuad and I had dinner, we went ahead and spoke out loud everything we could think of that we miss about home.

We miss our families...

I miss teaching yoga and the students who became our friends.

Fuad misses playing music for yoga classes.

I miss the comfort of laying on our couch.

I miss being able to pick up the phone and call people whenever I choose.

I miss the independence of being able to drive anywhere at anytime.

I miss some of my clothes that I got rid of before moving here.

We both really miss our circle of friends.

And really the list could go on and on...

I've often said to my students over the years that in life, the most challenging things also become the most rewarding, and right now I need to hear my own words...

So, if you're reading this and you know what it feels like to be away from home, if you've ever felt this sensation, and you feel inspired to send a positive note or thought our way...I'll take it and I'll promise to do the same for you if I hear that you're in a similar situation. You could post a comment, or send an email, or even write an old fashion letter (thank you Megan & Paul!!!)

Until next time...Sawasdee Kah!